31 May 2020Julia Matthews Hey cousin,
As a kid, I always felt proud to be around you. Before we got lucky enough to add Laurel to our family, it was you, me, Macie, and Wade, our little foursome. While Macie and Wade were often the sensitive and thoughtful pair, you and I were the ‘spirited’ ones—a parental euphemism for our rowdier duo. I was so pleased to see myself as adjacent to your antics. You, Macie, Wade and Laurel were the best friends I grew up with, the kids who teased me and loved me. We were camping trips, we were pool parties, we were fireworks, we were childhood.
When I remember you, I see us wading in Chewing Gum Lake, two tiny backpackers out in the Sierras. Despite the August sun, there was snow on the ground, and the four of us had devised a plan to make snow cones from the winter leftovers and our packets of strawberry Crystal Light. You were knee deep in the lake, and I watched a water snake, no bigger than a shoelace, wiggle gently through your legs. I’m sure I screamed; you probably laughed. Later, I found you sitting on the granite rocks with a snowball in your hand. You were pressing it against the huge mountain ants to freeze them in their tracks. I joined you, and we created a macabre ant museum. Snakes and snails and puppy dog tails; that’s what little boys, and sometimes little girls, are made of.
Since then, you’ve grown, and we have grown apart. I watch you from a distance, and I brag about you to my friends. I am desperately mourning the chance to meet you as a man, to sit down together over a beer and let your new stories of adventure wash over me. My heart is broken for your sisters—I promise not to let the distance grow, and to be there for them.
In the wake of your absence, I feel a lot of fear: fear of injury, of permanence, and of the power of nature to truncate our plans. But, I believe we’re given this life to experience the world, to relish physical and emotional sensations and to enjoy ourselves. Nobody did that better than you. You blazed through this life. For you, I’m going to try to be fearless.
With love,
Julia
